I will ever stop loving you?
It is past four years, now.
And I regret every chance I ever had, but lost.
The chance to say aloud "I love you"
Because we were friends.
And Best friends do sleep in the same bed, occasionally.
And best friends can hug
And best friends will comfort
and Best friends can fall asleep in each other's arms, right?
I knew I loved you since a few months after I met you.
But never expressed it.
When did we cross the line?
I know the time.
It was barely past 3:24 in the morning of January second, 2006.
We had been playing chicken, of sorts
Trying to be as quiet as possible, since our other friends were sleeping.
While trying to make the other make a noise
Fingers trailed over ribs, necks, ears
I crossed the line.
Doing the final, initiating a bite above the shoulder.
Not wanting to loose the game, you returned it.
At that point, it felt like we both knew what was coming, but neither wanted to put a halt to it, half wanting it.
Half not believing the other would go so far.
I do not know how you feel about it.
You've never told me your feelings on the relationship.
"We have to stop this"
But I'll tell you
Even if you may never read this.
I love you.
With ever fiber of my being, even two years after you put a stop to our relationship
A year and a half after you stopped touching me, even in the parameters of a hug.
A few months after you started horsing around again
Even after those minutes and days and months and years of wanting desperately to hold you down and tell you that I love you.
I can still remember hovering over you, my entire body trembling with anxiety, excitement, fear, and my mind racing thousands of miles an hour.
will you stop me
Do you want this
Do you want me
Will you still want me in the morning
Why haven't you pulled away
Laughed it off like a joke
and continued the game.
Bare millimeters from your lips, I felt our breaths mingle
And I was so devastatingly Despaired.
Because in that instant, I knew.
I knew so deeply in my core that this would only bring myself heartache.
That there was no way for you to love me
As deeply as I loved you.
And in that instant, I ignored that feeling.
I pressed down as gently as I could with my mind screaming joy and delight and simply roaring with excitement.
Because you were not pulling away.
And I could feel you returning the kiss.
After that, I barely remember anything of that night.
My mind was still trying to wrap around the idea of
You accepted me.
Even if just for the night.
I could show you how much I loved you.
How I would do absolutely /anything/ for you.
But that had its drawbacks.
I got too caught up on pleasing you, I ignored our other friends.
And it hurt them.
And you saw that, and you saw our neglected friendship
When I was too concentrated on trying to show you how much I /loved/ you.
When I should have been trying to get you to love me back.
When I should have been telling you.
Instead of showing you.
So you broke it off.
I acted stupid.
I know I did, now.
But you started feeling things for another person.
And in my jealousy, I nearly ruined what was left of our friendship.
I would do anything for a second chance.
Which is why I sit here now, watching you flirt and debate over which of the romancers to choose
Because they were /finally/ seeing how beautiful you are.
Inside and out.
And because that is what you've always wanted.
Someone to make a family with.
To have children with.
To love and marry and live happily every after.
Something I could never give you.
That I would give anything to be able to do.
It's too bad
You're not like me.
One who loves, for love's sake.
regardless who is loving
And who is receiving.